that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
