i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
