Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
