My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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