Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
