My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
