u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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