I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
