I think my fart just growled at me.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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