I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
