tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
