wake up i wanna do it froggy style
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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