what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
