So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
