Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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