I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Randomize