dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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