so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
