you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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