ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
