Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
