My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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