Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
