your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
