he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
