I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
