I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
