We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize