My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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