That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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