Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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