i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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