When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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