I can text with my tongue
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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