Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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