I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
