last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
