i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Is it penis luge time yet?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
