He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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