I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
