You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
