Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
