We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
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He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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