my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
