LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
