He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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