Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
