it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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