i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
