The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
there is glitter all over my balls
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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