i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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