They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
