i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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