you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
