my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
