I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You had me at "let me see your balls"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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