Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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